Values that empower you versus those that keep you stuck in old narratives.

Values are the principles, standards, or qualities that guide our thoughts, actions, and decisions. They reflect what is most important to us in life and shape how we interact with the world and others. Values can be deeply personal, cultural, or societal, influencing our behaviours and relationships in both conscious and unconscious ways.

The word "value" comes from the Latin valere, meaning "to be strong" or "to be worth," suggesting that values hold weight in our lives, they are the things we consider worth pursuing, protecting, or cherishing. Over time, this concept has evolved to encompass not just tangible worth but also abstract qualities like honesty, integrity, kindness, and loyalty, which hold significant emotional or moral value.

Understanding our values is essential for living authentically and making decisions that align with who we truly are. But what if our values come from a reactive place, emerging as a response to past experiences rather than a genuine source of inspiration or belief?

When Values Are Born from Lack

Over the years I have asked many people a simple question: “What are your core values?” Most people can answer quickly. But when I follow up with another question, “Where do these values come from?”, the conversation becomes much more interesting.

Many people eventually realise that some of their strongest values emerged from what was missing in their childhood.

For example:

Someone who experienced unkind treatment may strongly value kindness.
Someone raised in a chaotic environment may deeply value fairness or order.
Someone who felt neglected may value constant presence and availability for others.

On the surface these values appear positive. But sometimes they are actually reactive values, values formed as a response to pain rather than as expressions of our authentic nature. This raises an important question:

Are these values genuinely guiding us toward our best selves, or are they simply reactions to old wounds?

**Understanding Reactive Values**

Reactive values often emerge from past experiences, especially those involving emotional pain, rejection or lack. They develop as protective strategies that help us avoid repeating those painful experiences.
For instance:
A person who experienced harsh criticism may adopt perfectionism to avoid future judgement.
Someone who felt rejected may develop people-pleasing behaviours to secure acceptance.
Someone who experienced neglect may become an over-giver, constantly prioritising others.
These values can appear virtuous, but they may also create hidden pressure or internal conflict. In many cases they carry **secondary gains**, such as:
feeling needed
feeling safe
feeling in control
gaining approval
Because these gains can feel rewarding, reactive values may continue to operate unconsciously for many years.

Recognising Reactive Patterns & secondary Gains.

Recognising the secondary gains of reactive values is the first step toward identifying what truly matters to us. By acknowledging that these values may have once served a protective purpose, such as safeguarding us from emotional harm, we can begin to explore healthier ways to meet those needs.

This process often involves working through unresolved emotions that continue to drive reactive patterns. As we do this, we can start cultivating values that reflect who we are at our core. In this journey, we may discover that unwavering kindness, for example, isn’t one of our core values after all. Constantly being kind or overly accommodating, especially when a different response might be more appropriate, can be counterproductive to personal growth and misaligned with the situation at hand.

In letting go of reactive values and embracing genuine ones, we give ourselves permission to change, to be imperfect, and to live more authentically. Ultimately, embracing authentic values requires us to reflect on our past while discerning which beliefs truly align with our evolving sense of self. By doing so, we can lead more intentional lives, grounded in values that support our growth, authenticity, and well-being.

You can ask yourself: What values truly represent who I am today? This is where the exploration of authentic values begins.

What are Authentic Values?

Authentic or Genuine values are those that resonate deeply within us, independent of past experiences and reflect our true desires and aspirations, without any attachment to secondary gains and can help guide us in living fully.

I began reflecting more and more on what it means to hold authentic and genuine values. As I deepened my understanding, I realised how crucial it is to identify these values as the fundamental forces behind our actions, thoughts, and objectives.

One of my clients once gave a beautiful example when I asked them about an authentic value.

Their answer was research. Research had always been present in their life. It wasn’t driven by pressure or fear. It was fuelled by genuine curiosity, a desire to explore, understand and learn.

They described research as something that enriched their life rather than something they felt obligated to pursue. This quality felt very different from reactive values shaped by scarcity or emotional urgency.

Moving Beyond Societal Expectations

Being genuine means acknowledging that our values do not always have to align with societal ideals or conventional notions of "good." Instead, they need to be useful and meaningful in our personal and unique healing journey, guiding us toward deeper self-connection, wisdom, integration and authenticity.

We often criticise or stigmatise certain things, yet find ourselves engaging in them. This happens because we are frequently unaware of the thoughts and patterns that play out in the background of our minds when we're not paying attention.

What if, instead of shaming ourselves, we allowed radical honesty? What if we accepted that sometimes, the values we claim to hold do not always reflect our thoughts, intentions and how we act in daily life? I see so many people struggling with this incongruence, feeling ashamed of certain traits while maintaining a positive facade for a world that, in reality, does not operate as ideally as it claims to.

Beliefs, beautiful words, and concepts can be ethereal, they can fill our minds and mouths with lofty ideas that may have little to do with the raw, lived experience of being human. So why are we so afraid to admit that sometimes we must go against our own “reactive” values to grow? Why do we resist integrating our shadows, letting them operate in the background instead of confronting them?

When Freedom Becomes a Reactive Value

One of my strongest reactive values is freedom, the need for space. For me, freedom manifests as a deep, unwavering need to have a space where no one can interfere, interrupt, or intrude. It is about expressing myself in whatever form feels right to me. As a child, my emotions and needs, were severely dismissed. I was not entitled to have an opinion, and I was often confused and overwhelmed by the intensity of emotions I held inside. As a result, I believed that my thoughts and feelings were either unimportant or incomprehensible to others.

As a result, I started suppressing my emotions and withholding my trust from those around me. To cope with the demands of the adults in my life, I crafted a persona that was pleasing and accommodating.

This led to a profound sense of oppression and loneliness. My boundaries were regularly violated, and my personal space was not considered or respected.

It felt as though people could step into my world whenever they pleased, saying whatever they wanted, while my feelings remained insignificant.

As I grew older, I began feeling suffocated in environments where people held different lifestyles that clashed with mine. The mere presence of intrusive or foreign energies triggered strong, even physical reactions in me.

To counteract this, I developed a fiercely independent spirit, one that no one could control.

There are positives to this. I have learned to speak up for myself, to understand boundaries, and to cultivate self-worth and confidence.

However, this reactive need for freedom became a lens that made it difficult for me to share space with others, particularly in intimate settings. It took me a very long time to regulate myself enough to not constantly perceive others' presence as a threat.

My struggle has impacted those around me, sometimes leading to criticism or misunderstanding. Some people have made an effort to grasp why I need so much solitude to return to myself, while others have made assumptions of all kinds.

Over time, I have come to recognise that freedom, has sometimes prevented me from developing the ability to sit with discomfort when in the presence of others, especially when no real threat exists and to enjoy sharing my presence with others.

Growth: the Value that sustains me

Through this journey, I have also discovered another fundamental and authentic value that has shaped my life, growth.

Growth has helped me move beyond a rigid, black-and-white perspective. I no longer separate everything into good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable. Instead, I understand that the true value of an experience lies not in labelling it as positive or negative, but in the lessons and transformation, it offers.

I do not believe in the pursuit of happiness. I believe in the pursuit of growth. For me, this is an authentic direction, one that resonates with my soul. Every experience holds the learning potential, and I recognise that this learning is essential to my existence.

So, if someone were to ask me today, "What is a value that is sustainable and ever-present in your journey?" I would say growth.

When I think about it, I feel my body expand and settle into a space of truth. In contrast, when I think about freedom, I sense a completely different, more reactive energy, one that is tied to past wounds rather than to a place of inner peace.

This is how I have learned to distinguish between what is truly authentic within me and what is reactive, still carrying pain and resistance.

An Invitation for Reflection

If you want to explore this for yourself, begin by observing your values with curiosity rather than judgement.

Ask yourself:

What values guide my decisions today?
Where did these values originate?
Do they feel expansive or reactive within my body?

Your body can often provide subtle clues. Notice what sensations arise when you connect with a particular value.

Does it feel calm, grounded and open?

Or does it feel tense, urgent or defensive?

Over time this awareness can help you distinguish between reactive patterns and authentic direction. Ultimately, values are not rigid rules.

They evolve as we evolve. What matters most is remaining congruent with yourself and aligning your life with the values that genuinely support your growth and authenticity.

If this resonates with your experience, I offer trauma-informed somatic counselling in Brighton and online, supporting people to move from reactive relational patterns to embodied, authentic connection. You’re welcome to book a free discovery call to explore working together.

Personal Values: Are They Rooted in Truth or Trauma?