Falling in Love with the Idea of Someone: Projection, Idealisation and Emotional Blindness in Relationships
Falling in Love with Fantasies
Why We Project in Relationships
Have you ever fallen in love with the idea of somebody, a projection of how you would like them to be, rather than who they actually are? Have you ever felt as if you were under a spell? Almost blinded. Caught in a dreamy state where everything feels intense and magical… and then, when the enchantment fades, reality enters abruptly, leaving you confused, hurt, even in shock?
You may ask yourself: How did I not see the signs? Why didn’t I listen to what others were saying? Who is at fault? Who is to blame?
This experience is more common than we think. How often do we avoid facing conflicting behaviours in someone we care about? How often do we justify, minimise or deny what is clearly there? How often do we live in the illusion that things will change, even when they are gradually worsening?
What Is Projection in Relationships?
Projection happens when we attribute to another person qualities, intentions or meanings that actually originate within us.
In romantic relationships, projection often looks like:
Idealising someone we barely know
Ignoring red flags
Believing “this person will finally make me feel safe”
Believing we can save them!
Feeling devastated when they don’t match the fantasy
The person becomes a screen onto which we cast our unmet longings. This is not stupidity. It is human. Especially if we grew up feeling unseen, unsupported or emotionally deprived, the psyche looks for someone to repair the past.I often hear:
When these experiences repeat without conscious processing, we risk becoming trapped in a vicious relational cycle. The unconscious pattern interferes with reality, distorting perception, like looking through a warped lens. This is how emotional projection works. If the pattern remains unconscious, we may fall into the same dynamic repeatedly, until eventually we finally see it.
Interestingly, this does not only happen in romantic relationships. It can also happen in the relationship with ourselves. We may cling to an identity that is not truly aligned with who we are, yet we cannot see it while we are caught inside it.
Why does this happen? Why is projection so powerful? Why is it so difficult to see clearly when we are inside the illusion?
From a psychological perspective, idealisation and projection are often linked to attachment wounds, unmet emotional needs and early relational experiences. The nervous system seeks familiarity, even when it is unhealthy. The mind fills in the gaps with hope. The heart longs for completion. We are not foolish. We are seeking connection. But without awareness, we confuse intensity with intimacy, fantasy with love, and potential with reality. And that is where the work begins.
Why Do We Create Attachment and Co-Dependency Around Fantasies?
Trauma, Childhood Imprints and Repetitive Relationship Patterns
Why do we become attached not only to people, but to fantasies about them? Why does co-dependency often form around an idea rather than reality? This dynamic is rarely random.
If you have experienced abuse, dysfunctional family dynamics or parental separation in childhood, it is common to begin fantasising about how relationships should be. A child instinctively creates internal blueprints: what love must look like, what must be avoided, what safety should feel like. What we observe, learn and experience in early life does not disappear. It becomes embodied. Ingrained. Stored in the nervous system. Many relational behaviours, even when unconscious, continue to interfere with adult life until they are recognised and understood. It becomes our responsibility to explore the patterns, their origins and their purpose.
In a child’s world, parental figures are experienced almost as “gods”, powerful authority figures we depend on for survival. And gods are not always gentle. They can be loving or frightening, predictable or chaotic. As children, we have limited options. We adapt.
We may: Accept, Rebel, Submit, Please, Over-function, Disassociate, Withdraw… But underneath all strategies is the same longing: to be seen, heard and loved. When we reach adulthood, even if we consciously try to avoid unhealthy dynamics, we may find ourselves repeating similar scenarios. The attraction feels intense, familiar, almost magnetic, yet confusing.
How fun is this? Often, what is repeating is not love, it is unresolved attachment trauma.
Fantasy Bonding and Attachment Patterns
In attachment psychology, this dynamic is sometimes called fantasy bonding. Instead of relating to the real person, we relate to the imagined version of them. We attach to the feeling, not the reality. This can be intensified in:
Anxious attachment
Trauma bonding
Low self-worth
Fear of abandonment
Emotional loneliness
When we are disconnected from ourselves, fantasy feels safer than truth. Reality requires presence, boundaries and discernment. Fantasy allows us to bypass uncertainty.
But the body knows. Sooner or later, the gap between fantasy and reality creates tension. Disillusionment hurts. We may feel betrayed, rejected or foolish. But often what breaks is not love, it is illusion. The collapse of fantasy can feel like a wound reopening. “How did I not see this?” “Why does this keep happening?” Because we were not in relationship with the person.
We were in relationship with our projection. And when projection dissolves, we are invited back to ourselves.
The Split Within: Are We Drawn to Complete the Trauma?
When early relational wounds are not processed, the self may unconsciously split. One part longs for something healthier, more conscious, more aligned.
Another part is still trying to complete unfinished emotional business. This internal conflict can lead to co-dependency and fantasy bonding. As children, many of us survived by creating inner fantasy worlds. We imagined ideal love, ideal safety, ideal connection. Fantasy became protection. As adults, that same mechanism may continue operating unconsciously. We project our internal “ideal relationship” onto someone we are attracted to. We overlook traits that do not align. We minimise red flags. We interpret behaviour through hope rather than evidence.
We are not naïve. We are attempting emotional completion.
I often wonder whether some matches are led not by compatibility, but by unresolved trauma itself, seeking resolution. The nervous system is drawn to what feels familiar, even when it is painful. Familiar does not equal healthy. It equals known. There can be an unconscious desire to “get it right this time.” To finally receive what was missing. To repair the past through the present.
But healing does not come from replaying the wound. It comes from recognising it. When we become aware of our attachment patterns and co-dependent fantasies, we reclaim choice. We stop mistaking intensity for intimacy. We begin to differentiate between projection and genuine connection. And that is where relational maturity begins.
How Do I Become Aware of This Mechanism?
Breaking Cycles, Conscious Love & The Somatic Perspective
Mature love requires differentiation. It asks:
Who is this person really? Who am I when I am not trying to be chosen? Can I tolerate uncertainty? Conscious relationships are not built on rescue, completion or idealisation. They are built on emotional regulation, accountability and honest communication. This does not mean losing romance. It means grounding it. When we stop chasing fantasy, we begin to experience something deeper: connection without illusion.
The first step is to normalise something important: it is okay and natural to repeat certain patterns in life, until you understand them and change them.
Repetition is not failure. It is information.
From a somatic point of view, projection is often a nervous system response. The body seeks familiar emotional patterns, even if they are painful. Familiar does not mean healthy, it means known. If love once meant inconsistency, we may feel drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. If love meant over-responsibility, we may gravitate toward people who need saving.
Healing involves slowing down the activation. Learning to sit with attraction without rushing into meaning. Learning to observe chemistry without attaching identity to it. The more regulated we become, the less we need fantasy to feel alive.
When we reclaim the projections, we recover power. We stop searching outside for what we need to cultivate within.
And this is where real love begins.
What Is Self-Awareness, Really?
Self-awareness is more than analysing your thoughts. It means learning who you are beyond your behaviours, emotional states and inherited beliefs. It means observing your life patterns without denial. It means asking: Why am I drawn to this dynamic? What part of me feels activated here? What am I truly seeking?
Self-awareness requires honesty about your imbalances, your triggers, your emotional reactions and your unmet needs. It means recognising that you are not passively experiencing life, you are participating in it.This can feel overwhelming. Because with awareness comes responsibility. Seeking professional support during this stage can be transformative. A regulated and objective space helps you see what you cannot see alone.
Responsibility Is Not Self-Blame
Taking responsibility does not mean excusing someone else’s disrespectful or harmful behaviour. It means recognising your power to choose differently.
You cannot control other people. You cannot control their emotional maturity. You cannot control their capacity to love. But you can control your perceptions, your boundaries and your responses.
You can learn to Express yourself clearly, Regulate your emotional reactions, Recognise what feels aligned and what does not, Walk away from unhealthy dynamics and most importantly to respect your boundaries and limits. This is not about controlling the world. It is about ending unconscious repetition.
When self-awareness deepens, projection softens. Co-dependency loosens. Trauma patterns begin to dissolve. And for the first time, you stop asking, “Why does this keep happening to me?” You start asking, “What am I ready to change?” That is the moment the cycle begins to break.
If this resonates with your experience, I offer trauma-informed somatic counselling in Brighton, Hove and online, supporting people to move from reactive relational patterns to embodied, authentic connection. You’re welcome to book a free discovery call to explore working together.
