Cognitive Dissonance. The Weight of Incongruence.
The Silent Conflict Shaping Our Society and Ourselves
In the culture I grew up in, long before social media, feedback wasn’t sugarcoated. Words came raw, unfiltered. Sometimes unfair, sometimes brutal. And while I don’t romanticise that harshness, I can’t deny the clarity it gave me: I always knew exactly where I stood.
A comment, whether encouraging or critical, was also an orientation point, a way to understand yourself in relation to others. Feedback reveals not only your position in the social fabric but also the character of the person giving it. Words matched behaviour; expression matched intent.
Today, the landscape is different. I often find myself confused by masked expressions, polite phrases that conceal irritation, behaviours that do not reflect the words being spoken, and doors left open that should clearly be closed. This incongruence creates a dissonance that the mind may try to rationalise, but the body feels it instantly. We sense the lies, the omissions, the half-truths, and yet rarely does anyone name them out loud.
In reflecting on this, I also notice my own ways of navigating incongruence. Even though I consider myself or I aim to be honest in my interactions with self and others, I’ve realised that striving to be fully congruent at all times is impossible as shadows and unconscious patterns do come out when we least aspect them and trying to be always congruent or feeling the pressure or “always doing the right thing” can create its own tension.
What matters more for me is observing with honestly, noticing when I give mixed signals or hide what I truly feel, and being willing to understand the roots of my incongruence. It is about discerning what truly matters, rather than punishing myself for not acting in perfect alignment in every moment. Reflection becomes a tool for awareness, not self-blame; noticing becomes a practice of learning, not a measure of failure.
The Madness of Mixed Signals
Human beings are wired to seek coherence. When words, tone, and body language align, we feel safe. When they don’t, we experience unease. This incongruence is not subtle; it registers in the nervous system. A smile paired with hostility, a “yes” laced with resentment, an open invitation that is not truly meant, all of these create a state of inner confusion.
Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance, the stress of holding conflicting messages at once; the discomfort we feel when our beliefs, values, or behaviours are in conflict.
Leon Festinger (1919–1989).
American social psychologist known for his theories on cognitive dissonance and social comparison
Leon Festinger first introduced this concept in the 1950s, showing that when we hold contradictory ideas, the mind struggles to restore balance.
The result is often rationalisation, denial, or avoidance rather than honest confrontation with the truth. In today’s world, dissonance has become a defining feature of modern life.
We condemn dishonesty, yet we struggle to speak with honesty. We crave authenticity, yet present carefully curated versions of ourselves. We claim to value connection, yet ghost, ignore, blame or emotionally withdraw when intimacy feels uncomfortable. The paradox is everywhere: our ideals and our actions are constantly at odds.
Internal Dissonance: When We Don’t Know What We Feel
The most painful dissonance is not only social, it is internal. Many of us no longer know what we truly feel. We say “yes” when we mean “no,” smile when we feel broken, or stay silent when every fiber of our being wants to scream. This internal contradiction eats away at us, creating anxiety, confusion, and exhaustion.
Where does this dissonance come from?
Early conditioning: As children, we are often rewarded for suppressing our authentic emotions. We have learned to override inner truth in order to be loved and accepted.
Cultural double binds: Modern society demands authenticity and individuality, yet punishes those who step too far outside the norm. We are told to “be ourselves” but only if that self fits within the socially acceptable box.
Fear of loss: Honesty often means change, ending a relationship, quitting a job, disappointing someone we care for. To avoid these consequences, we silence the truth within us and live in contradiction.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
Unresolved dissonance creates what psychologists call “ego-splitting.” We fragment ourselves: one self for work, one for family, one for social media, another hidden in the shadows of our inner world. Over time, this fragmentation generates chronic stress, burnout, anxiety, and even depression.
On a collective level, it breeds mistrust and alienation: if everyone is half-truthful, no one feels fully safe.
On the receiving end of it, our intuition is sharper than we often give it credit for. We feel it, we know when something is off. To ignore that knowing is to betray ourselves; yet to confront it often feels socially forbidden. And so, we live with a quiet madness, carrying truths that have no place to be spoken.
When we sense these incongruences but cannot name or resolve them, we often turn against ourselves.
Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe it’s my fault.
The pain of being gaslit by the environment doesn’t disappear; it is internalised as self-doubt. We start to question our own reality, blaming ourselves for what others cannot bear to own.
But blame and self-pity only keep us stuck. They trap us in cycles of resentment and helplessness, where the focus remains on the wound rather than the healing. They allow us to rehearse the story of our injury without writing a new one. The crucial question is not “What did I do to deserve this?” but rather: “How can I use this awareness to evolve?”
This shift in perspective turns pain into a teacher, dissonance into guidance, and endings into sacred thresholds for growth.
The Way Through
The antidote is integration, learning to bring our beliefs, feelings, and actions back into alignment which involves confronting our fears and biases and finding the courage to challenge what no longer makes us grow or want to experience in our life.
This requires:
Radical honesty: allowing ourselves to admit what we truly feel, even if it is inconvenient or uncomfortable.
Tolerance for discomfort: dissonance is a sign of growth. Instead of numbing it, we can use it as a compass, pointing to where truth and change are needed.
Cultural courage: choosing authenticity even when it challenges social norms. This is the seed of collective healing.
Developing the hidden/missing skills: training self to more congruent ways of being.
